here it comes….

one more hour and anniversary time again…. it starts with my birthday..that’s when i know its coming… think my birthday might have been the last time i saw him before he died…. i smacked him over the head with a telephone..

it wasn’t one of our better exchanges… it was my birthday, he’d gone out and bought dinner for everybody, kids but not me..i think

i can’t properly remember what it was about…but from here through to Christmas this is pretty much how it goes…

its been 15 years now… I ought to have got over it… not sure that i want to if i’m honest…the memory might be painful but its also a pleasure..

.. the sad and the sweet are bound together, I can’t remember one without the other…

be interesting to see how 3 weeks in Mumbai affect me… instead of the swing up and crashing down the usual grind will be interrupted by 3 weeks of heat and sunshine and people who smile all the time

and i’ll be doing something i would never have dared do if Paul hadn’t died..

it was sudden…the time it took to answer the phone … literally blood froze… its the most disorienting thing you can possibly imagine…think it was Joan Didier said, ‘your world changes in an instant’… no warning, not a whiff…its like being smacked in the face by the biggest brick you can imagine….so painful it takes months, years for it to start shifting through… its like this huge wave you have to go through, everything shifts,m everything changes

I used to go to sleep at night and just be grateful that no-one had died that day…

I couldn’t go back to grey everyday living… I;d known for a long time that I was in trouble… I managed to be a single parent twice, me and Paul weren’t together when he died, although we never managed to split properly either.. we both acknowledged that we still loved each other, just couldn’t quite figure out how to make it work, we were so different…but when he died, kids were 14,12..and Josh, almost 5.

We buried Paul no Josh’ 5th birthday….I knew this was the thing that would break me

Paul was 33, died in a car crash…a death he’d had recurring nightmares about for years before he died, deep depression that he knew he was going to die… there’s a whole other story there…

Looking at Paul in the morgue… I realised that no amount of money could ever fix this, it was a really weird sensation…all that effort to hold down a good job, make more money, the big house…the hard matter what I did, I couldn’t fix this..all of it was worthless from that moment on..

here I am, 15 years later, of the roughest, rockiest years of my life..and possibly the most enjoyable,interesting,turbulent years..but at least I LIVED stopped being about money and became about how happy I was, how tired, how much I laughed.

I eventually almost starved to death , but managed to get a job in the nick of time, but undefeated I’m carrying on with living an interesting, extraordinary life…. one that will wow my grand-daughter 🙂 and give me tales to tell for years to come

flying to Mumbai in three weeks .. on my own….I can’t even go to Bradford without getting jet lag… and I’m absolutely hopeless in strange places… will just have to trust .. I’ve heard its the one place on the world where I can actually do that… am sure the Mumbaikers will look after me 🙂

and I’m going to be trying out new business ideas with a capable, experienced, well-respected business couple, and explore my creative potential with the stock, creating my dream….my multinational global anarchic co-operative where every woman makes the same , basic plus profit share…even me…well except me…I support myself with affiliate sales from the website

you get the picture

heading off to my memories… have a grave to tart up tomorrow … incense and candles at sunset ..

love an peace xxx